Wednesday, April 4

Thoughts at 11:42p

After thinking about what happened this morning and actually trying out that helpline, I realized how truly sad I am.

Before you continue reading any further, I just want to let you know that I am by no means complaining about my state of life right now. Everything I have, everything I am I can be content with. Just believe it or not, grief can hit anyone at any time.

I've mentioned before the feelings of indifference (hah, paradox) that I've felt, and to some extent, they persist now. Except now, that lethargy has been injected with thoughts, memories, and heartaches. Such a mixture can only prove sorrowful to its carrier. As I sit here typing this entry, I attempt to recall actual good memories: smiling with friends, laughing with my family, proving myself wrong on my self-deficiencies, not worrying about trivial things, etc.

And I remember them. I remember the faces of my past, the hands that have molded who I am today. But now, all I can think of is how I have failed them.

I first spoke of strength that I recently discovered, and I do believe that such exists within my soul, somewhere. But this feeling of heavy emptiness, burdensome nothing has swallowed me during a time when such strength was not called upon, when I felt even more distant from my friends, my family, myself, and from God.

This sadness, caused by my stupid self-isolation, is putting up a hard fight. How many years of therapy are being undone every second I think of Matt's face? How many months of self-strengthening are being undone every moment I lose hope? How many seconds with those I love in vain every time I collapse into myself?

I know what you're thinking, You hypocrite. You claimed to be a new person; you claimed rebirth! I can do nothing but nod my head in agreement and with a heavy heart. Yes, I have made such claims, and with all truthfulness. But you forget who I am. Despite all those changes, I'm still just a 17-year-old trying to find her own peace of mind.

I know how I should be as I continue this metaphorical journey affectionately referred to as "life". I just want to know that I'm not the only one left who believes that I can do it.