Tuesday, April 29

Alright. Let's get this over with.

Before many of you rise up in indignation at my juvenile frustration with the trivialities of my(our) daily life, I politely and respectfully beseech you to shut it. Because while there are those of my kin who are suffering under poverty, disease, and corruption back in the Philippines (a fact that even a simpleton cannot deny), it does not mean that I possess the same mental and emotional stamina to be as spirited as them in all my daily mundaneness. I may be significantly weaker than my impoverished counterparts.

Breezing through several psychological and anthropological aspects, surely it cannot be denied that when roles are switched and I am placed in a tropical shack whilst those under financial distress are put in a situation of being stable in all aspects of living... reactions may seem to vary but are, in fact, similar in the sense that they are "trivial" (a description that I'm beginning to find rather irritating) and evoke reactions that stem from exasperation with the dull. If one observes the "normal" toils of the average young adult belonging to the middle class, what does one see (listed in no specific order):

1. The urge to branch out and explore either mentally, emotionally, sexually, geographically, financially, etc. The idea of expanding horizons still remains. And how does this come about?

2. BOREDOM. Now that's not to say that absolutely everyone becomes bored with everything that they do; but I will be bold enough to call you a liar and a bigot if you claim to have never once felt an overwhelming sense of ennui in any particular moment in your life. But for this rant's sake, I do limit the criticism to those who tire of everyday routine or those who seek excitement and spontaneity (woo for you!). So if you believe yourself to be completely content with your mediocre life, then good for you.

3. And since I just happen to love being vague, the third category will include all problems that you, surely a person of the middle class (higher, lower, doesn't matter), face. Now what could that possibly be, you ask? For starters, one could never be without too much money to pay off several things like your car, the ever-expensive gas that goes into that car, your college education, your clothes that make you look oh-so-chic, the food that you crave at ungodly hours of the day, little luxuries that are subjective to an individual (personally, I enjoy notebook, journals, and sketchbooks), etc. But not only is that one problem. Looking at the social aspects of our insignificant little lives, there always exists tiny problems within relationships between even the best of friends, disgustingly sweet lovers, the most darling pair of mother and daughter, and so on and so forth. Going into the work-/academic-related problems is just asking for a brain aneurysm due to the recollection I will have to undergo in order to create an impassioned point.

It is pretty obvious to almost everyone that there are worse things going on in the world. However, bringing up that point as an argument against someone who chooses to complain will do virtually no good. One chooses to utilize that argument to make the aforementioned complainer to stop. Surely, then, the brute ends his tirade, much to your and everyone else's relief, but it does not erase the tiresome burden of the problems he spoke of.

I do not mean to belittle the "worse things" that are going on in this world right now. If anything, I confess to several times during which I wish for the whine-y fellow to shove it because of complaints of, let's say, "not being able to pay off the two Beamers [he] bought his twin daughters for their sixteenth birthday" (true story, by the way). In no way can a mere observer experience the pain of war, famine, and plague. In no way can a mere reader of newspapers feel the anger and the hate of those who suffer under inflicted political, social, and emotional pain.

But I do not ask for much--not money, not love, not even hate. I only ask for the smallest amount of patience towards a lowly 18-year-old girl and her entrance into a hypocritical reality with no expectations of being able to talk to anyone.
Conversation with John. He said something rather interesting and there exists a minute possibility that it could be true.

I certainly hope not.

Sunday, April 27

Seeing as to how computer IM lingo has invaded the realities of speech, here I go:


Saturday, April 26

As pessimistic my views are regarding the world and everyone residing within, I have hope for my cousin.

Tuesday, April 22

It's Okay.

"My ex-boyfriend calls me a lot more frequently than your boyfriend calls you."

"How long has it been since he told you that he loved you?"

"Hm. A lot less enthused about talking to you, I see..."

"Your particular flame seems to be dying down."

"New phase of your life. New phase in his life. New people. You know the drill."

It's all okay, right? He's just been busy is all...
By gawd, let me be unreasonable.

Right now, I just cannot accept the inevitability of human flaws. Allow me to be unreasonable and attempt to attain perfection. I know it will only disappoint me, but let me be disappointed. I'm already disappointed anyway, so what's one more added to my list of infinite letdowns?

So let me also be jealous right now. If he, at any moment, favors her manner, her behavior, her eyes, her gestures, her being over me... then I will make sure I have no regrets in the future.

Wednesday, April 16

Is it normal?

I hope that I have not grown far too attached to you, but I do confess that having gotten to know you, to love you, has spoiled me to the extent of having been [probably] too lucky to have found you.

There are days when work, friends, family, even our own bodies, keep us from talking and even seeing each other. It is no exaggeration when I say that I feel only contempt for those days despite the many justifiable reasons behind our absence from each others' lives. Is it normal that not being able to speak to you--and I mean actually speak to you--saddens me?

Browsing around GroupHug.us, I came across this confession:

"i cant last a day without talking to you… i feel so empty if i dont hear from you.. is this normal?"

I read it three times. First, it was in curiosity as to why it seemed to stand out from all other confessions. Then again, feeling it tug at my heartstrings. And finally, in disbelief as to how such a confession matched my own. And it's true. I cannot, for the life of me, last a day without talking to you; it really does leave me empty. It was concise; it was accurate. It was true. But for some strange, unknown reason, I just cannot bring myself to tell you that.

Wow. I'm in love with you.

Monday, April 14

Aloha Oe: I Remember You

Aloha ʻoe, aloha ʻoe

I thought of you today as I walked around the brightly lit city at night. That is your favorite scene, no? I do remember.

...I'm sorry that I said nothing on the 16th of February this year. My silence, consequentially, seemed only to emphasize your two-year absence from your friends, family, and me. Two years. It has been two years and still you have the ability to move me to tears.

E ke onaona noho i ka lipo

Your departure was too soon, they say. And it's true.
You were such a good person, they say. I believed it, too. You were the only one who found that claim unjustified and false.

Still you found it in your heart to gently sing this song to me every time we said good-bye. Oh your heart, one of the gentlest and most fragile one I know of.

One fond embrace

I confess that there are times during which I regret not having been better to you. But knowing you, you would frown at the mere thought of my feeling guilty. "You have nothing to feel guilty about," you would say, smiling at my innocent show of shame. It's that familiar smile that torments me inside since I know all too well that you would mean that with all of your damned heart.

A hoʻi aʻe au

I'm happy now. Surely you'd be delighted to know that he is just as kindhearted as you.

Yes, I am happy now.

Until we meet again.

I'll always remember you, M. Analei.


It is true that he would softly sing this song--specifically, the chorus--to me before he and I parted ways. "Farewell to you, farewell to you / The charming one who dwells in the shaded bowers / One fond embrace / 'Ere I depart / Until we meet again." It is about time that I sing it back to him as I take the final step to reconcile my feelings after the passing of my first love.