Random Musings of a Teacher's Assistant

I really don't know what to say. That is the basic summary of the course my life has now taken.

Things are well while the rest could be improved on. But do not misunderstand, I don't wish to complain. My contentment in the mediocrity of school and everything before the ultimate summer vacation is, hopefully, normal. Hopefully.

Again, I find myself apathetic towards everything and everyone, not giving one shred of care for anything. And I'm happy that with that. But sadly, this cannot continue for this will bring my downfall once again. I don't want to find myself calling that damned suicide hotline, sending emails to the Samaritans, and typing up sob stories of my "oh-so-pathetic" life. I don't want to articulate the feeling of loss in both my heart and in my hands. I don't want to be sad and brood about it. I don't want pity.

So I'm happy in this indifference that doesn't seem bent out to consume my life. In this absence of major emotion, I have the chance to view things in a much more rational manner, finding myself basking in the glory of not-worrying. And that, my friend, is something seemingly rare in high school.

But high school's about to end, and things are pretty much peachy-keen. Hopefully this continues...

--

... But I really wouldn't mind if another something really wonderful happens.

Yes, I'm happy with him.

So... Good Times.

Things have mellowed since yesterday. Apologies for my behavior.

I give you this lovely song in return for your patience:
Please Mr. Postman by The Beatles.

So Tell Me, What is Friendship?

And so she begins with another teenage rant concerning the faults of society and those around her. Really, will she ever grow up? Nope. I refuse.

Being the absolute sloth that I am, I began thinking about certain people and how my feelings for them have changed over time. Unfortunately, I couldn't help but notice that I grew sadder and sadder as the seconds continued to tick away. Not only did the distance between certain people and me grow, but the "strong links" that supposedly kept us together seemed to have worn thin with time.

I have pondered upon my friendships with people from high school and have expressed lonely thoughts about it and voiced my worries of certain things not lasting. Being me, I even attempted to suppress the thoughts because, hey, like I should care at this point in time, right? Wrong. People, friends, say and claim to keep in touch, to always be friends but really, what do those words mean? Now that I think about it, those words are only said when people are still in close proximity with each other. Not until their friendships and connections are strained are those words put to the test. In the certain cases I've pondered on, those words seem like nothing now.

Will we really still be friends when we all leave? You say I love you now and that We'll keep in touch but... even in the few weeks we haven't spoken, things have already been thinning our amity.

So I question the value of friendships. I question the meaning of certain adorations exchanged amongst peers. Are you really going to stick to that? Or do you plan on telling me that you'll miss me now and forget about me when we grow up?

Deep down, these thoughts only deepen my cynicism in that now it includes people close to my heart. No matter how much I wish that some will stay in my life, I've come to accept the inevitable: out of all the people I've known throughout high school, I'll probably only continue speaking to one. It's not out of personal choice. I no longer see the point in trying.

I fear for my generation.

So I Thought About School...

This is Laura.

3 weeks of work left to be done.
3 weeks of honest-to-Bob procrastination.
3 weeks of secrets.
3 weeks of not caring.
3 weeks of ignoring the fact that I won't be seeing a lot of these people again.
3 weeks of wandering around, soaking in the essence of high-school.

3 weeks before I miss it.
3 weeks before I tell her.
3 weeks before I tell him.
3 weeks before I tell them.
3 weeks before I care.
3 weeks before I enjoy.

3 weeks before freedom embraces me.

So I wanted to be young again...

I began playing with the thought of a Nintendo DS and three games:

1. Pokemon (Diamond or Pearl)
2. Mario Kart
3. Big Brain Academy

... I'm too simple.

So I looked around me...

... And I noticed how everyone at church fit into the ideal image of a large, wholesome (in the lovely Christian sense) family.

And where was I? Within this so-called family, I would be considered the dark, sulky daughter even (dare I say it?) the rebel? As odd as it may be, it is there that I feel most uncomfortable. Now this is where the misunderstandings begin.

Of course I don't mean that the services make me uncomfortable. However, after that, when socializing is supposed to take place, I find myself displeased with my current surroundings. There is nothing that I hold against my fellow church-goers nor is there anything I particularly dislike about them.

There just exists within me this natural tendency to just shy away from their [not-so-surprisingly large] groups. No, I don't care where the latest clubs are. No, I don't care what what's-her-face with whatever-his-name-is. And no, I just don't want to be sucked into a world that to me, seems so... fake.

Having been raised in a religious family, I have come to embrace the central belief system. And to be honest, it never got me into trouble. If anything, it kept me from the worst. Yet whatever happened to those lessons that were taught to us? No prying? Then why do you care if those two are going out?

Let's face it. We're all practically living double lives. But what I find borderline hilarious is the absolute denial that everyone lives in. Of course we do things that the others would frown upon. Of course. But why the lies? Why the deceit?

Yes, I admit it. I do lead a double life. No, neither of them is fake for they both happen to be pieces of my core. I respect rectitude; I respect fun. I have no problem admitting to someone that I have indeed done things that I regret...

... but please. Don't create a mental picture of me in your mind without fully comprehending who I am. Sure, I may be the quiet girl once in a while, but silence does not rule every waking moment of my life. This is nonsense I refuse to uphold.

I am Leslie. And I am flawed.

Again with this Tiring Process.

Truly, the morning is the perfect setting for a 17-year-old to brood about the past events that have occurred in her last 17 years of life. Perhaps not even of life.

Thoughts come and go, just like friends, just like Summer's greenery. Such is the state-of-mind of this certain little girl. And quite honestly, she believes she can do well without such arbitrariness ruling every waking moment of her life. Of course, it is that very randomness that, she feels, defines her, molds her. But at such an ungodly hour, even sleep cannot tempt her from the musings that come and go like Mother Nature's love.

Ponder, desire, hope, fuss, relax. Repeat.

Should I act on it?
Will he continue? Will I?
Is she peeved with me? But for what?
Will I see them again? Do I want to?
How much time do I have? What exactly is time?
Who are they really? Should I even care now?
What am I doing? What are they all doing?
What do I want? What do they want?
What does he want?
I hope it's me.

... But why?

Ponder, desire, hope, fuss, relax. Repeat.

The Asian Film Festival...

The film my cousin and I saw was American Pastime regarding the life of a certain family, namely a certain character and his family, in a Japanese internee-camp.

Truly, the cinematography was quite pleasing. The plot was acceptable and in itself was lovely. The characters were very memorable. And never before was I this captured by a mostly Asian cast.

Of course there were films such as Memoirs of a Geisha and Letters from Iwo Jima, but to be honest, the first didn't suit and tastes and the latter I haven't had a chance to see. So to be able to see this film (a candidate in the running for an award at the Festival), it was remarkably great. So as to not hide anything else, the director, a friendly guy in (I believe) his mid-30s was there to allow for a more personal touch to the film.

Not only that... but two of the actors were there as well. Yeeahh...


Other than the film, it was nice to have spent this time with my cousin who I rarely see because of school. Sadly, she was not the only person to whom my thoughts drifted to.

Damn him.

No Particular Subject

I think I'm happy...

Yeah, I'm pretty happy when I think about it.

So I begin my Apology...

It's common knowledge that I've thrown a countless number of "I'm sorry"s around and quite a few people have grown tired of hearing those words from my lips. Apologizing for such a crime would only defeat this purpose... and perhaps ruin what I'm attempting to fix.

I love you.

Really, I do. And from the nethermost region of my heart and soul, I promise that I do not wish to hurt you. Nothing I have ever done or said was meant to cause you pain or anger you. C'mon, you're name has practically embedded itself into my subconscious vocabulary after all these months.

You of all people should know that the last thing I would ever want is to feel any type of tension between the both of us. You held out your hand to mine and I to yours. That's something that I would never betray in this vast, and seemingly lonely, journey called life.

Before this gets too overdone, I just want to let you know that I am sincere in what I've said so far in my attempt to swallow my pride, accept my shame, and see you once again.

So El Camino won Nationals...

Congratulations to the team, I guess. They were worthy opponents.

And so ends my due respect. I hope they would understand the bitter feelings felt/expressed by a team such as mine.

No regrets, I remember telling myself as I watched my team fall apart on the 18th of March. Thinking about that day, I recall the taste of the my tears and the stains of the tears of my teammates on my shoulder. That day will forever remain bittersweet.

So this is for my team...

We really have had an amazing year. We laughed together. We cried together. We're pretty much there for each other now.
And my mind is quite incapable of forming coherent thoughts at the moment so I'll just get straight to the point.

My love goes out to my team, my family. Thank you.