here & there

It surely has been quite a while since I've felt the need to type, type, and type. Do not, in any way, mistake this hiatus as an indicator as to how content I am with my life. To be quite blunt about it, it just shows how much I am beginning to relinquish control of my life. Now I am sure that some of you will say that it is near impossible to control one's life. However, there are cases when "losing control" of one's life actually leads to sheer disaster. So please excuse me for wanting my life to remain on its certain course.

But considering my lack of outflow and retention every possible tear and yell, I have reduced myself to a rock-like state, drained (and being drained) of emotion. The need to draw, paint, sketch, write, read... is gone. With my absorption of my negative energy, my apathy gradually increases. As other people fall apart around me, crying, yelling, kicking, screaming, I remain unfeeling, providing near-hollow words of comfort that are more for my own comfort than they are my friends.

Am I cruel? Perhaps. Am I cold? Maybe. However, it truly is not my desire to be so. What I need, what I want is to become more human. What I need is to care once more.