Emails: Part 1

I don't exactly know where to begin. The day was actually quite short due to the fact that I've confined myself to my room for most of the day.

I'm happy to report that The Samaritans do answer the emails of those in need. Here is my first email to them.

April 5
To: Jo from The Samaritans
Hi.

I don't exactly know how to start this off or what exactly I should say. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. But I trust that whoever is on the other side of this email will read what I have to type out.

There aren't many details I will or can relate to you. I've been alive for 17 years and for those years, I've never once thought of myself as unfortunate. Not once did any thought of dissatisfaction with my life enter my mind or soul. But feelings of hate have. Of course, not to anyone outside of this husk I call my body, just myself.

I know, I know. There should be nothing people hate about themselves, dislike, perhaps. But hate? No. So I've heard from countless people about others or themselves. But no matter what they say, such words do not stop emotions.

I'm content to say that I'm happy to have grown up with the childhood that has formed the person I am now. I'm also glad to say that I have wonderful friends of outstanding performance and charm. But all of this cannot stop my self-isolation.

I can uncover no reason as to why I feel the way I do sometimes. Whenever I'm light in spirit, I find myself wanting to experience apathy once again, to feel indifferent, to be empty. By not being happy, one mustn't have to deal with the disappointment of that fleeting happiness. Such is the way I've lived for the last 5 years. Failure after a heart-felt attempt presented itself as a crushing fear to me. I didn't want that. So what else was there to do but give up at the beginning? At least then, I knew I would fail.

With all of my heart, I wish I could say that that has worked. Of course, I've had small moments of happiness with friends. Yet knowing that my full potential is not being used only deepened that pit of sadness within me. I don't think I've mentioned this pit yet. For years, I've been contemplating my being, why I am who I am. I've discovered that, or actually, I've been led (by myself) to believe that I have good reason to think that nothing of mine was ever good enough, and because of that, there is no point. Hope, now, seems like a pathetic thing when in a sentimental mood. Only then do I full comprehend the meaning of Pandora's box. After hearing that story when I was 4, I first thought that Hope was a good thing. It wasn't until I started to slip that Hope turned into a monster.

The details of my life will be kept back from this email since the addition of them will further lengthen this. And I truly don't want to bother you with them. On the website, it was stated that someone was willing to "listen" to whatever I had to say... and to be honest, I really don't know what to say... so I'm typing down what I have so far...

Thoughts of suicide existed in my mind ever since I was 11. Being the quiet girl, I was picked on in middle school. Once in high school, it became my goal to change that. As the years progressed, I have climbed out somewhat from my little cave and greeted the outside world. But I confess that that cave's purpose (for isolation) became ever useful as I continued my high school life. I should have stated before that my emotions (and/or lack thereof) are ever contradictory. When I'm happy or sad, I wish to be indifferent. When I'm indifferent, I wish to feel. But when that indifference begins to yield to my wishes, I usually slip into grief. This, I cannot explain and because of that, I'm beginning to wonder if it is cause by some imbalance. I just don't know anymore.

Currently, I've just begun my fall into sadness and quite honestly, I don't believe I've ever felt like this before. It's different, and I find it quite fearful. My self-esteem seemed unaffected till now, my self-confidence is there when I'm in front of people. But behind closed doors and in the shadows of my mind, I feel an overwhelming urge to just sit down, think and try to not feel lonely. I'm afraid of other people and yet being isolated from those I care about is a saddening idea. As you would expect, thoughts about college haven't helped. Only recently have thoughts of self-inadequacy persisted. And I'm afraid that this time, I may not be strong enough to push such negative, lonely thoughts aside and be happy.

I don't want to keep you from the other emails that many others are sending so it would be best if I bring this email to a close. I'm just a person who wishes to find my own way to my own peace of mind. I just want to be fixed and I want to know that there are others out there who believe that I can be fixed.

Thank you.

I know it's too much to ask of you to not judge me. But for the sake of whatever lingering optimism there is in my mind; Please, do not judge me.