Wednesday, March 28

Several Thoughts

I wake up at 3am today in order to get ready for the 5:45am performances. But just as I wake up, I feel some sadness begin to grow within me. It's not the type that makes one want to die in some gruesome way in order to gain some sort of sympathy but the one that makes you just want to sit down. You probably know the deal: pressure in your chest, thoughts flood in and out with short intervals of blank tranquility, etc. So I did exactly what my body wanted me to do. I sat down.

Eventually, my mother helps me realize that I've been sitting down during the time I should have been getting ready for church. So thus, I was not able to perform. Being home alone in the morning was a thought that had not crossed my mind right now... and it makes me even less than the human I already am.

I just don't care anymore.

This thought has continually gnawed at me today. Second period was completely unproductive save for the few seconds I spent shading my piece. The urge to just sit and think quietly to myself prevails. If I couldn't sit, I wanted to sleep those thoughts away. I wanted to sleep this "sadness" away. But I can't. Sleeping and running is no longer an option for me. Did I not promise myself and several others that cowardice is no solution to whatever I face?

I did. But what exactly am I running away from? Is there anything there or is this physical lethargy and push for contemplation caused by something else? I just don't know. Even after going through what I've gone through, why must confusion continuously glare over my shoulder? Still, I must admit that this sensation is not the same as before. There's absolutely no hint of hopelessness; only stupor, curiosity, and indifference are involved.

Of course school isn't helping. Going around the way I feel like going around will only raise either harsh judgment, unwanted pity, or both. And those are two things I definitely do not want from people. Can't anyone just listen anymore?

Does anyone care about the state of the world as whole? Do you care about the on-goings of the universe? Must you ignore every other world that does not revolve around you? Isn't your friend's sanity more important than who that guy's taking to prom? Who are you people? Why? How?

I've always heard that questioning things can only lead to more knowledge, more "good." That, I won't argue. But what good can come from questioning the essence of things? Out of questioning yourself? I don't want to question myself again. I don't want to doubt myself, others, anything, and everything. Sometimes it's nice to just accept, nod one's head, and smile.

I just want this to go away for a little while. I want to know the answers to my questions. I want to not want the impossible. I want this "sadness," or whatever the hell it is, to just go away... even for a day.

If I am to care, to be sad, there must be a purpose.

No more of this.