Nigh High

I'd like to tell you a story of the girl who hates herself.

It was finally here. She was finally here. The couple was extremely happy to have her since they prayed and prayed along with her brother for a baby girl. And finally, that day instantly brought smiles to their faces. From now on, they promised her, We'll all be happy together.

The girl grew up. Some may consider her upbringing as a lucky one, having had two loving parents, a kind older brother (kind, but older nonetheless), and everything that she may need. Be it food, shelter, clothing, toys, she had them. Rewarded when good, punished when bad, it all seemed quite normal. Being rewarded when good gave her the incentive to actually be good. Growing up with such a solid foundation, she was able to find the world, learn new things and eventually, question them. She was quite a curious girl, asking this and that about everything she touched, saw, and felt. The world was at her disposal. Toys changed into books, clothes, and other feminine trinkets. Life, it seemed, couldn't be any better. That is, until she brought her curiosity to another level.

Of course, she had already discovered that her mind was her own, her heart hers to give, and her soul was hers to explore. She already knew, or at least heard of heartache, of confusion, of apathy. But it was in her nature to ponder further. She wanted to fathom the world, humanity, herself. So she asked of herself. And this, my friends, was one of her biggest mistakes.

Now, before I continue with the story, I just want to point that it is not wrong to question oneself. And on with the story.

The girl tested her mind. She questioned her heart. She sought out her soul. But all she could find are holes here and there. Her mind was not as saturated with wisdom and knowledge as she had thought. Her heart was not was withstanding as she had hoped. And her soul? Well, let's just say that she no longer knew what that was. All she was in herself was the mundane. Mediocrity seemed to her, the only destiny. And in order to bear that idea, she accepted it. There was no use in fighting that for all it would do was waste her strength.

And so the girl went through high school believing her own mediocrity in her attempt to embrace it. Erstwhile her friends had no limits, the girl created her own. It then seemed that nothing could be done to help the girl realize that there was no need to think of such things. There was no need, in fact, to doubt the kindness that life has already shown. That is until she met certain along the way who actually spoke to her. She was happy. These people who she put on such high pedestals were actually speaking to a commonplace person. Had she known that this were possible, she wouldn't have given up. These newfound friends of hers were to become her best friends, her lovers, and her strength.

It's only right if good things happen again, the girl thought to herself. It's only fair. But life at that time was not very kind. Soon, life began to take her best friends away one by one. It was as if life had planned to create a bouquet, picking out her wonderful friends one by one. The girl, in her nature, questioned once again. What have I done? What could I have possibly done have for them to just leave? What? Why? These questions plagued her as they built upon those she asked before. Inquiries piled up, none of them answered. This irked the girl that she took it upon herself to answer. I'm just not good enough.

Despite the comments of her remaining circle of close friends, none of them were as strong as the pressure she felt on her heart. None of them could convince her of her silliness. Until one of her best friends sat her down and spoke firmly. Believe us. He brought her comfort. He wanted to break, or at least crack, her unwavering belief in karma. He, like everyone else, wanted her back; they all wanted Whimsical back.

This she understood. In her attempts to make those around her happy through self-sacrifice and self-doubt, she became a hypocrite. No more, she said to herself, no more.

And to this day, the girl who hates herself continues to try. She promised herself and those she loves that gone will be the days of doubt and confusion; she'll find herself. She continues to learn, trying to satiate her rekindled curiosity. Carefully, she fortifies the walls of her heart. And hey, maybe there is a soul in there after all.