& It Begins

I partly lie. The race actually began a few weeks ago right after the Regionals Award Ceremony. But now that it's Monday, Friday The 16th looms close and foreboding.

This is what is all comes down to. For more than 9 months, ten of us sacrificed our time, strength, tears, and even blood. Sleep became a long forgotten memory; friends would actually have to take the back seat to 1st Place. Our lives were practically wrenched from our bare hands, some of us did not even know what lay ahead.

Hours upon countless hours were spent in the attempt to master 10 tedious tasks from speaking to world of economics. Food was something precious while our water turned into Rockstars and vitaminwater Energy drinks.

Friends became even more of a guilty pleasure. Should I see my friends? Or does the smell of victory seem sweeter? Two questions that only proved difficult even to this moment. Our own personal lives had to be denied. Death had to be dealt with in order to keep the team up. This certain denial of mental and emotional pain still sends chills down my spine. After State, I promise to visit both of your graves and finally shed those tears that I owe.

Problems with our parents were brought to light. Denial was no longer an option. Just show them what we can do, and have them deal. Either they loved us, or they deal.

Our grades stagger even with the lenient schedule. Suicidal tendencies in certain individuals were tested. Therapy became a trial, depression a mere obstacle, while the loved became ultimate burdens.

I know what you're thinking. All of this for what? 1st place? Something you can't even imagine? My answer:

Sure. Why not all of that for First Place or even Second? All of that for something that will probably only last for 15 minutes. But you know what? All of that will not disappear in 15 minutes; it will stay with us for the rest of our lives. Not everyday do you get 9 unique students with stories as exclusive as themselves willing to go for something that even they believed insane. Studying for hours on end. The want to sleep never really goes away until you forget the beauty of it. Yes, my friend, all of that for intensity.

But I'm going to be realistic with you, with everyone. All I want in the end, is the feeling of satisfaction, the knowledge that I have exerted all of my energy into collective effort. I want to know that I've reached my goal: to survive. As I type this, my nerves stand on end, waiting for that master signal to just quit. Every inch of my body wants to turn back and avoid failure. I am tired of that. That is what I have been doing for my whole high school career and I am sick and tired of fear.

This is not going to be an entry of regret, loss, and sorrow. I will not yet lament the loss of Nate and I will not mourn Greg's exit. If anything, they and Decathlon have taught me how to say "Fuck it, I'm going for the goods." So crying will not get anywhere. I'm sick and tired of feeling lost. Well, give me that damn compass and map and I WILL find a way out of here. I am not going to sit back and accept the whatever life wishes to throw at me. If I find it displeasing, I know that I have the choice to deal or piss and moan. No way will I publicly choose the latter. After going through this, it will be humiliation. And that is something I will not experience again.

So yes, I am scared. Yes, I am tired. But I'm ready for the next few damn days. I'm ready to give it my damned all. Those afflictions with not be for nothing.

1st, 2nd, or 3rd. It really matters naught any longer. This is something I chose to do. And I will do it until the end.