The Past Few Minutes

Again, I wake up at 4am, realizing that my nap (was supposed to wake up at 6:20pm) had been extended to become an entire night's worth of sleep.

So having these two hours to myself, I realize a couple of things.

I dislike him so much. But what gets to me is that I've never experienced such a thing before. I feel wronged to some extent by him and want some sort of compensation for the feelings I've felt for and about him. And by that, mind you, includes so many from the entire emotional spectrum: hate, pleasure, anxiety, contentment, anger as deep as a scarlet stain on white satin, a mediocre level of "like." The list continues.

Such a range of varying emotions within regarding just one person has obviously taken its toll on my health. I find myself constantly thinking of ways to spite him in order to make myself feel better. But sadly, the only way I even have the least bit of gall to do is hang out with him, clad in my best attire, and act so nonchalantly towards him in order to prove the point that I am, in fact, better off without him. Which I am. I think.

However, this all goes against the pacifistic side of the situation. All I honestly want to do is get over this lingering angst I have towards him in order to just get on with this thing called Life. Friendship or no, I don't care. I just want this internal battle within me gone. How I treat him, how I think about it, it all doesn't matter to me as long as I get this resolved. And I'm not necessarily sure how.

I have gotten progressively better in my vengeful feelings. Perhaps I'm on the right track and such feelings are natural. Right? Not right? Meh.

Eff this again.