Because of my Weakness (A Regretful Goodbye)

During the past few days, many childhood rooms have been swept clean, furniture all packed, clothes all sorted, gadgets neatly placed in cardboard. During the past few days, many friends have been boxing up the majority of their lives, getting ready to settle down in, for some, entirely new environments. As they packed, some found themselves longing to avoid such a task, mostly because it was physically exhausting, others found it emotionally and mentally draining. But almost all of them, in varying manners, are dealing with the inevitability of the word "goodbye."

As I go on through my day, I see many old and past friends voicing their anxieties of leaving the homes they knew since early childhood. At the same time, I see many new friends awaiting that flight or paying for that rental car to get out of this dreary old valley in order to start over, to make use of a blank slate in order to create new identities. Yet however different these two general reactions may be, they do not erase the hidden pang of each heart as the hours, minutes, and seconds tick by, bringing the moment when they realize that they may never see their friends again.

Of course, there are many who object to such an inevitability, wishing to fight the bitch called Fate. And consequently, there are those who choose to leave an image of what they believe is dignity, assuring misty-eyed friends that eternity is theirs and in their friendships. And I'm sure you wonder what my point is in all of this.

To be quite honest, I don't know where I stand on saying "goodbye." It's as if there are two opposing sides of me, one of them wishing that time could stand still in order to hold onto her friends, her youth for just a little longer. The other, and I'm not surprised, wishes she could care more but finds it impossible to find the will to do so and, in turn, attempts face and becomes numb, almost apathetic. As both of these girls exist within me, many would assume that the easiest way to deal is to just choose a side. But for the few who truly know my ways, choosing hasn't been the easiest action to carry out as well as saying "goodbye." So in my indecisiveness, I'm left to continue my pondering from the sidelines, in isolation as my friends continue to live and deal with what must be done: growing up.

So as party after party, dinner after dinner, all in remembrance of what used to be and will continue to be, I continue to pass, still wishing I had enough courage as those close to me to bear the difficult burden of becoming an adult. Opposite ends of me tug at my heartstrings, not wanting to be weak and fear the possibility of loosing those who I hold dear but also not wanting to let them know how much they've meant to me over the past years.

Now, this is not meant to be some lament regarding how pathetic I am in self-induced isolation. This is merely meant to explain (to myself as I type out letter after letter) why I do these things that I know I will regret in the near future. This is a self-examination, so I needn't hear your criticisms regarding such childish behavior. And that, in some way, is part of point.

I fear growing up. I want to stay an innocent child with those around me staying close in case either one of us falls. I want to believe that life is possible with the help of my parents. I want to believe in fairy tales. I want to stay young. And having such an immature mindset during a time when one (a late-bloomer I suppose) takes a step to growing up, I become stubborn, less flexible to life's twists and turns.

And I'm sorry for being just a child. I'm sorry for wanting, in some way, to avoid the sufferings that adulthood comes with. I'm sorry for wanting to stop Time and, consequently, pause Life. I'm sorry being afraid of getting scratches and bruises here and there on this metaphorical road. I'm sorry for... just being afraid and weak. I'm sorry for everything.

But alas, I've realized a few more of my weaknesses. I've acknowledged my fears and, subconsciously, wish to overcome them. I understand that help, no matter how much I want it, will not be guaranteed. I understand that a "goodbye" here and there will not damage the truest of bonds. And with my understandings worded out for you to read, I stand face-to-face before my very fear.

Here I am... growing up before your eyes.