I Find Solace in Isolation and Silence

It has only about a week.

The common question from acquaintances regarding my well-beings is answered with the usual Fine's and Can't Complain's. Such a question would receive a cheery answer when asked by friends.

But when my closest of friends ask such a thing, I tell them of the contradiction between Very Well and My Heart Hurts. As odd as that may be, it is the closest to the truth that anyone may ever become. So I will not lie. The last few days with freedom unquestioned feels incredibly soothing. Because of that, I answered to no one (no one that important at least, and no one answered to me. Life right here and now feels great.

However, that does not exclude me from Loneliness' clutches. Perhaps it is more so now that I am under my own direct command that she and Grief poke and mock me whenever I find the time to think of anything. And that is when I miss everyone so sorely that even one minor heartache moves me to tears.

Knowing me and my absolute abhorrence of any sort of emotional overload, I am prone to taking out rather reckless actions in order to alleviate myself of anything unnecessary. In this case, emotions. Sadly, as that might cause relief for me, it can (usually) cause commotion with people involved. Right now, I digress--I do and don't understand why people would cause such disturbances in the first place. Now back on track. And considering my latest predicament, it did everything but mitigate the trouble in my mind.

So why is it such trouble? If anyone were to ask such a question, I would point out the obvious. Is it not just incredibly annoying to feel infatuation for anyone? Yet by "infatuation," I mean more than simple interest. For the sake of this entry, I shall place this feeling a level above a simple little girl's crush since both would share the same dumb giddiness when the boy would so much as to look your direction. And this annoyed me to high heaven.

Using the information I provided, you can probably work out the logic to get to the outcome: I told him. Unfortunately, in order to protect the sacred line between confidentiality and the Internet, the details will need to be withheld. However, do know that despite his insistence that our friendship continue, I have regrettably been feeling pokes, pulls, and shoves to my almost-nonexistent heart. It may be small, but it is sensitive. Please don't get me wrong. I want nothing more from the boy than the mere acknowledgment of the fact that I did what I did. Yet, neither do I want to disregard his unyielding wishes to hang out with both my cousin and me. This dilemma calls for a rather bipolar me: incredibly happy one moment, whilst in a few minutes, I begin to find the need to be alone.

Can he not realize that as wonderful as he is, that I just do not want to be around him and be reminded of what I quickly grew tired of? Until that time, I find it only more than essential to find at least an hour to myself to recuperate from the actions and choices carried out by a heavy soul.

Well done, Life.

And it has only been about a week.