Oh I Am Stubborn

Plans of self-imposed exile have gone well for the last two weeks. Thanks to that choice, I find myself happier, as if I've gone through a mini-Enlightenment without the heavy dose of Buddhism or Taoism.

But having come back from seeing my old C-team Big Brother and Sister, I sit here in the stillness and silence of my room, finding it impossible to find reasons as to why crying would be unjustified. Had it only been quiet in my room, Loneliness, mercifully, would have passed.

Still, I am strong, right? Throughout my 18 years on this Earth, there has not been a time where I actually succumbed to the Silence and Stillness of this house. Right?

I realize now that I've asked myself that question many times before. And always, my answer disappoints me. But whenever that would happen, I could always take comfort in the thought that I would be seeing Anna tomorrow, that everyone would be smiling during round of coffee. The Silence cannot bother me. And it didn't.

But now I confess that I am afraid of it. It is nothing compared to quiet moments that bring peace to a mind such as mine. The idea of tomorrow doesn't bring the routine comfort that it did back in high school. Uncertainty never terrified me more than it does now.

Questions that I've avoided before take this chance to pester me: What if I don't mean anyone like my friends? What if I find that no one I will meet shall live up to the standards that my subconscious has set? What if I feel this alone for the years to come?

Optimists frown upon this questioning and admonish me to hope. Idealists stand with them and criticize me for being as pathetic as this, assuming the worst of my college experience. Perhaps they're right, but who are they to order me out of the mindset that has defined my very being for years? Who are you to convince from my negativity?

--

I don't know. I just need another dose of familiarity before I leave this Valley. Perhaps I just need to see one more familiar face before I'm forced to gaze upon foreign ones.

Perhaps, at this precise moment, I just want to see my Brit again. It's been too long since I've last laughed along with him.