It surely has been quite a while since I've felt the need to type, type, and type. Do not, in any way, mistake this hiatus as an indicator as to how content I am with my life. To be quite blunt about it, it just shows how much I am beginning to relinquish control of my life. Now I am sure that some of you will say that it is near impossible to control one's life. However, there are cases when "losing control" of one's life actually leads to sheer disaster. So please excuse me for wanting my life to remain on its certain course.

But considering my lack of outflow and retention every possible tear and yell, I have reduced myself to a rock-like state, drained (and being drained) of emotion. The need to draw, paint, sketch, write, read... is gone. With my absorption of my negative energy, my apathy gradually increases. As other people fall apart around me, crying, yelling, kicking, screaming, I remain unfeeling, providing near-hollow words of comfort that are more for my own comfort than they are my friends.

Am I cruel? Perhaps. Am I cold? Maybe. However, it truly is not my desire to be so. What I need, what I want is to become more human. What I need is to care once more.

With an open blog such as this, I run the risk of certain eyes grazing over these very words. But I find this rant to be a necessary form of self-preservation.

I saw him today. Or at least, my mind made me believe that I saw him today. And my heart began to race.

So I tried. I tried it all again, I mean. The acceptance of vulnerability of being alone. And to be honest, I haven't a clue as to where that took me. Surely it was a roller-coaster of sorts. As to how intense it was, I haven't a clue either. This entire situation I find myself in left me, shall we say, empty.

Yes, it is about a boy. A man? A boy? He is whatever he wishes himself to be. However, I find it tragic that he, as bright and as lively as he is, already closed himself off from the uncertainties that the future may hold. This may be my naivete speaking, but is it really all that possible to allow full control of the mind over the heart? If so, is it fair? Is it natural? Whatever your answers may be, because I am in no mood to enter what will be a full-blown debate. A hollow debate that will prove to be, let me tell you.

Whatever sort of nonsense I am making right now... I shall finish on a light note. I am not hurt.

...

And knowing me, my "light note" is known to be relatively "dark and depressing" for others.

So, here I am, empty.

Finding out that someone loves and cares for you more than you ever will for them seems to only result in terrible heartbreak.

I'm aware that I speak incessantly on the topics I hate... so here's another one.

I despise reading back on certain entries that confirm how silly I really am.