It's Okay.

"My ex-boyfriend calls me a lot more frequently than your boyfriend calls you."

"How long has it been since he told you that he loved you?"

"Hm. A lot less enthused about talking to you, I see..."

"Your particular flame seems to be dying down."

"New phase of your life. New phase in his life. New people. You know the drill."

It's all okay, right? He's just been busy is all...

By gawd, let me be unreasonable.

Right now, I just cannot accept the inevitability of human flaws. Allow me to be unreasonable and attempt to attain perfection. I know it will only disappoint me, but let me be disappointed. I'm already disappointed anyway, so what's one more added to my list of infinite letdowns?

So let me also be jealous right now. If he, at any moment, favors her manner, her behavior, her eyes, her gestures, her being over me... then I will make sure I have no regrets in the future.

Is it normal?

I hope that I have not grown far too attached to you, but I do confess that having gotten to know you, to love you, has spoiled me to the extent of having been [probably] too lucky to have found you.

There are days when work, friends, family, even our own bodies, keep us from talking and even seeing each other. It is no exaggeration when I say that I feel only contempt for those days despite the many justifiable reasons behind our absence from each others' lives. Is it normal that not being able to speak to you--and I mean actually speak to you--saddens me?

Browsing around GroupHug.us, I came across this confession:

"i cant last a day without talking to you… i feel so empty if i dont hear from you.. is this normal?"

I read it three times. First, it was in curiosity as to why it seemed to stand out from all other confessions. Then again, feeling it tug at my heartstrings. And finally, in disbelief as to how such a confession matched my own. And it's true. I cannot, for the life of me, last a day without talking to you; it really does leave me empty. It was concise; it was accurate. It was true. But for some strange, unknown reason, I just cannot bring myself to tell you that.

Wow. I'm in love with you.

Aloha Oe: I Remember You

Aloha ʻoe, aloha ʻoe

I thought of you today as I walked around the brightly lit city at night. That is your favorite scene, no? I do remember.

...I'm sorry that I said nothing on the 16th of February this year. My silence, consequentially, seemed only to emphasize your two-year absence from your friends, family, and me. Two years. It has been two years and still you have the ability to move me to tears.

E ke onaona noho i ka lipo

Your departure was too soon, they say. And it's true.
You were such a good person, they say. I believed it, too. You were the only one who found that claim unjustified and false.

Still you found it in your heart to gently sing this song to me every time we said good-bye. Oh your heart, one of the gentlest and most fragile one I know of.

One fond embrace

I confess that there are times during which I regret not having been better to you. But knowing you, you would frown at the mere thought of my feeling guilty. "You have nothing to feel guilty about," you would say, smiling at my innocent show of shame. It's that familiar smile that torments me inside since I know all too well that you would mean that with all of your damned heart.


A hoʻi aʻe au

I'm happy now. Surely you'd be delighted to know that he is just as kindhearted as you.

Yes, I am happy now.

Until we meet again.

I'll always remember you, M. Analei.

--

It is true that he would softly sing this song--specifically, the chorus--to me before he and I parted ways. "Farewell to you, farewell to you / The charming one who dwells in the shaded bowers / One fond embrace / 'Ere I depart / Until we meet again." It is about time that I sing it back to him as I take the final step to reconcile my feelings after the passing of my first love.

I'm pacing around my room right now, hoping to receive any sign, any word from him. Angry, bitter, sad, upset, joyful, solemn.


Just to know he's okay.